Valentine’s Day rules (break them at your peril boys)

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  1. No BJ in the morning. For one day, the only hot thing I want in my mouth at 6.30am is coffee.
  2. Flowers should be ALIVE and colour co-ordinated. Any that resemble they’ve come from an untended grave will have serious consequences (see above).
  3. Nando’s is not a restaurant for Valentine’s Day even if they put red roses on the table.
  4. Jewellery is fine so long as you realise I will keep it when/if we break up and wear it while revealing your darkest secrets to my best friend.
  5. If I wear suspenders do not ask where are my holdups, poke my fatty bits or tweet a pic.
  6. Please put on a decent pair of boxers. It’s one day a year for Christ’s sake and strangely enough, slack elastic is a turn off.
  7. You still have time to get a card. It IS important.
  8. Those Dine in Meals are okay but don’t ask me to cook them AND you have to do it all including put the kids to bed, load the dishwasher, take the bins out and yes, pack the lunchboxes.
  9. If you take me to the cinema I do not want to see A Good Day to Die Hard.
  10. Tell me you love me. It’s free.
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