My mid-life wish list

* To wave goodbye to the axe mark in the middle of my forehead (there’d be bunting, Gin and Tonic and a really great party).

* To remain a size 10 no matter how many Custard Tarts I cram into my mouth.

* A parking space right outside my house. Or – dream of dreams – a drive.

* To walk into a room without ever breathing in.

* No more sorting the recycle bin. I am officially divorcing Climate Change.

* A pension that buys me more than a loaf of bread (and it’s not even fancy bread).

* Disappear-proof dust.

* Zero grey hair (pubes included).

* To be visible to anyone under 40.

* Bouncy bits rather than wobbly bits.

* A holiday where I never sit my suitcase shut, drink tea that tastes like a latrine and arrive looking like Mrs Overall. With sunshine. And Pina Coladas.

* A hug from my mum and dad (they’re dead so it’s tricky).

* No regrets (I’ve had a landfill full).

* A car that doesn’t play cassettes.

* Oh and of course, world peace.

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